Not Stubborn, Strong Willed. There's a Difference!

Understanding & Parenting a Strong Willed Child

Ever feel like your child argues about everything? Has to have the last word? Won't back down - even for what you may consider simple things, or anything you ask? You may be hearing a lot of ‘No’s’. If you have nodded to all of this, you might be raising a strong-willed child. And no, they're not being "difficult" - they're wired for independence, leadership, and truth detection.Think of them like a river with a strong current. You can't stop the flow, but you can guide where it goes.

Understanding Your Strong-Willed Child

Strong-willed children are naturally wired for independence, leadership, and what can call "truth detection." These children possess qualities that, when channeled properly, will serve them well throughout their lives.

What defines a strong-willed child?

• Driven, persistent, and opinionated about things that matter to them
• Challenges authority because they have a strong inner compass and need for autonomy
• Engages intensely with their interests and beliefs
• Responds better to choices, collaboration, and respect for their voice
• They don’t necessarily rejecting everything - they just want to do it their own way

The key trait to remember: "I want to do it myself."

3 Practical Strategies for Daily Life

Strategy 1: Give Them Power - Intentionally

Strong-willed children have an innate need to feel in charge. When they don't have any power, you'll face bigger pushback. The solution isn't to engage in power struggles, but to share power strategically.Offer daily opportunities to give control to children through safe, age-appropriate, and curated limited choices — a key practice when working with strong-willed children.Set the boundaries, but let them choose within those.

• "Can you pack your snack today? Here are the options you have - to choose from."
• “ Would you like to set the timer for screen time?"
• "How should we organize your room?"
• "What can we do to make bedtime easier for you?"

When power is shared thoughtfully, power struggles are avoided naturally.

Strategy 2: Mind Your Delivery

Strong-willed children don't have a problem with you - they have a problem with how things are communicated. These perceptive children notice everything: your tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and the words you choose.Instead of lengthy explanations or lectures, try to:

• Lower your tone and speak calmly
• Keep instructions simple and direct
• Say "Let's wrap up now" rather than giving a long speech about why it's time to finish

Your delivery often determines their response. When you approach them with respect, collaboration and clarity, they're more likely to cooperate.

Strategy 3: Get to the Point with Choices

Here's a crucial insight: strong-willed children aren't primarily motivated by consequences - they're motivated by having control over their situation. Traditional discipline approaches often backfire because they remove the child's sense of autonomy.Transform commands into choices:

• Instead of: "Brush your teeth or they'll fall out"
• Try: "Would you like strawberry or mint toothpaste?"
• Instead of: "Put on your shoes now"
• Try: "Here are a few things to finish—you can choose how you’d like to do them. Once you're done, put on your shoes so we can go to the park!"

When you offer choices within acceptable boundaries, you're giving them the control they crave while still achieving your goal.

The Deeper Truth

Behind every strong-willed child's challenging behavior is a fundamental question: "Do you truly, truly love me unconditionally? Even when I push back? Even when I explode?"When we consistently call strong-willed children "too much" or "difficult," they internalize a harmful message: "I'm hard to love. I must be a bad child." This creates shame around their natural temperament and can damage their self-worth.Strong-willed children need to be parented for connection, not compliance. They need to know that their spirit, their intensity, and their need for autonomy are not character flaws to be fixed, but strengths to be guided.

Reframing Your Perspective

Instead of seeing your strong-willed child as a challenge to overcome, try viewing them as a future leader in training. These children often become:

• Innovative problem-solvers
• Confident decision-makers
• Natural leaders who stand up for what's right
• Independent thinkers who aren't easily swayed by peer pressure

Your role isn't to break their will, but to guide their strength toward positive outcomes.